Red Light District Faggotry

Posted: 12/11/2012 by erichblayde in Relationships
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

My bed called. It misses me.

Maybe that’s because I seem to have developed a habit of not sleeping in it every night of the week as per my usual norm. Maybe that’s because, since moving back to the city I have had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful individual that I enjoy spending time with.

And sometimes that time occurs at, well, not my house.

Now I know some of you are staring at your computer screens in shock right now wondering if my cheese has totally slipped off my cracker, but in reality I am not the tremendously popular fag that people seem to think I am, hell I couldn’t play one on TV if you pointed a gun at my head (and before you ask, yes, I have acted before, so that’s not where I am going with that). In reality I am an emotionally cold, physically lonely little man who sits at home alone wondering why the world has rejected me so totally…..ok ok, maybe THAT’S going a little toooo far the other way….But I think you get my point. I’m not one to just hand out the goods willy nilly, and, as a trans fag I am DEFINITELY not the one whose “milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” (nor does my anything else :P). And I’m pretty ok with that, I’d rather settle for being my authentic self and having fewer relationships because of it than being a fake ass poser and getting lots of tail.

But suddenly I am eating cake and having it too.

I’m not saying that’s never happened before, but the reality is that, owing to some things and stuff from the way back I have a little bit of a hard time trusting people in a sexual context. Not to say I can’t, or haven’t ever, but it is rather difficult. I realized this after the breakup of one of my monogamous relationships some four years in the distant past and accepted that maybe I needed to try something different. So most (there are always exceptions) of my physical relationships in the time between then and now were focused (in a sexual sense) on the other persons pleasure, and my enjoying them enjoying themselves. Whatever the particular relationships were, they were not about mutual gratification, physical equality, or spending the night wrapped in eachothers arms. In reality most of them were “friends with benefits” that, while lasting months or even years, were simply a series of gatherings in which a few hours were spent together after which I (or they), went home.

Enter new relationship.

Suddenly there’s someone in my life that touches me, I mean really touches me. Without fear, or hesitation. Without trepidation or that sneaking sense that they’re just doing it to make you happy. Suddenly there’s just touch. Kisses, body rubs, snuggles and more, and its all given freely, in concert, with both parties sharing equally in the pleasure. Suddenly there’s fun playful moments filled with laughter and teasing, moments of gentleness laying wrapped around eachother. Suddenly there’s more than just two of us but a whole conflagration of gender, roles, and ideals combining together to create the frighteningly amazing thing this is.

Kinda scares the hell out of me actually.

We’ve both been clear with the other that its a “no-strings” see-what-happens kinda deal, with each of us still being a whole and independent person (holy communication batman!) But in the end, there is a connection, one that leaves my bed empty some nights and more full than usual on others. In the end, there’s a joy about the physical that I had almost forgotten existed. In the end, there’s a red light district fag somewhere deep inside me that emerges when they are near to me. In the end, no matter what it is or how long it lasts, its pretty fantabulous in a weak-kneed, when-can-I-see-them-again kinda way.

So I’m sorry dear bed. You’ll just have to get used to it.

Cheerio Darlings,

E

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