Rants And Raves – Cyclists Edition

Posted: 12/07/2012 by erichblayde in Uncategorized

Friday! Thank GOD it’s Friday! And why am I thanking undefined omnipotent deities that it is Friday? Why because I am a professional cyclist of course! Friday means that I have only eight hours of idiot drivers, frighteningly unaware pedestrians, and pushy delivery drivers to endure before I can run the hell away and hide under a blanket for two blessed days.

Being a rider in a professional capacity has its ups and its downs, and a lot of laughing (because if you don’t laugh you’ll murder someone with a rubber chicken)

Without any more blithering I present to you, the ups, the downs, and one very special idiot woman that makes me fall on the floor and giggle. Ladies and gentleman, here now for your reading enjoyment in its brand new Friday time slot… RANTS AND RAVES (Cyclists Edition)

Rave – To every single bike courier, two-wheeled commuter and occasional recreational cyclist that braves mortal peril each and every time they go for a ride, I salute you (and think you’re all fuckin nuts at the same time)

Rant – Car…dedicated-dual-direction-slow-moving-bicycle-lane…NEED I SAY MORE?!? Car NO GO in the bike lane! EVER! I know the prospect of a completely empty lane (marred only by a few road dividers and a pesky cyclist or twenty) is utterly tempting…but no. Just no. Why? We might make a satisfying splat noise but the lawyers we hire do not.

Rave – To the countless number of nurses, first aid attendants and doctors who take the time out of their busy schedule to stop on the sidewalks and attend to cyclists who have been injured or dash into the road to drag people and bicycles out of harms way, your caring and dedication is a warm blanket on a cold day

Rant – Speaking of cold days and warm blankets…dear companies that hire and equip bike mounted staff. Have you EVER heard of wa-ter-pro-of? Means not-get-wet. You buy! Then employees no spend weeks and weeks riding around barking like harp seals because you don’t pay us enough to take sick days!

Rave – To the fearless (and oft frighteningly temperamental) bike couriers that have been doing this so long they seem to have been born on a bike with a dispatcher yelling out of their walkies I have to say thanks. Often I fall in behind you and am assured of a quick safe trip with a great possibility of amusement ahead should a driver decide to be…well, a driver.

Rant – Right turns. Incredibly useful things. Handy for all sorts of turning applications and route directions. NOT handy if you decide to do them WITHOUT signaling and INTO a dedicated bike lane! And then have the nerve to get mad at ME because I yelled at you for trying to drive over top of me!

Rave – To myself for all the times I could have given up but instead kept up and laughed it off. Nothing says self-help like learning not to murder random idiot pedestrians

Rant – Pedestrians. Seriously! What the hell are you guys thinking? That getting pasted by a flying cyclist ISN’T going to hurt? You run out in front of us, jaywalk, stand in the bike lane to have a chat on the phone, let your idiot bags swing freely INTO the path of oncoming bikes AND seem to think that even though you’re not allowed in dedicated cycling lanes, your damn DOG is! Nevermind that when I actually hit one of you because you randomly walked out in front of me (against the light I might add) YOU acted like it was MY fault! Curse you all…may your heels ever break, your cell phones die randomly and your bag straps always snap.

And finally…To the woman who followed me IN HER CAR for 6 blocks up a DEDICATED bike lane screaming at me for being a cyclist IN the bloody bike lane and then getting furious with me for stopping to let an ambulance go by, I award neither rant nor rave…

Because I am too busy dying with laughter at your stupidity.

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