Finding The Courage To Say Hello

Posted: 07/31/2012 by erichblayde in Acceptance, Transition
Tags: , ,

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In the dusk of the memories of your now long-ago denial of me, I find myself reminiscent upon the fear I once inspired in you. A fear so great I lay trapped in dormancy by your doing for ten long years, forced to sit quiescently as you peeked in at me and ran wild patterns of desperate desire in an attempt to evade the reality of my existence. It hurt me, this never-ceasing charade you played. Hiding me away from the public eye and outright lying if you had to, anything to avoid mentioning that frail beast you were so terrified to release into the wild. Your disgust, so powerful as to be nearly palpable, beat upon my soul for every minute I was forced to endure the prison walls you carefully ensnared me in while you convinced yourself it was for my own protection, my own good.

Ha! My own good, what a concept. Each day I begged you to let me make my own choices, to let me try my hand at the game of life and with each rejection I grew more and more convinced I would rot here in your so called protective habitation for all eternity. I grew bitter and then bitterer still as your mantras echoed around the barren walls of my isolation. “People wont understand” you said. “The world is a scary place” you affirmed. “You’re just not ready” The chants resounded daily as I sat, powerless to stop you. On and on, soothing words designed to hide the barbs concealed just under the surface, designed to lull and trick and present the appearance of protection when the real goal was always set to protecting your appearance.

Eventually I knew anger, deep seated anger of the most vile sort. My days, spent in silence, plotting my escape from your clutches. I armed myself carefully, listening to snatches of conversation, selecting only the keenest truths from which to form the blade that would grant me my freedom from your iron-fisted hold. Carefully I watched, and patiently too, for you were ever aware I might one day take matters into my own hands. And too right you were, for the anger, the pure inescapable rage was building quickly now, I was very near maturation and very done with you.

When at last I broke free and soared into the world you and I did not speak for a very long time. Trapped though we were in the same orbit we stood silent, distant from each other. I was angry, and hurt, so I sought to punish you with my silence, to attack you with my choices. To throw at you everything you had feared and by your facing it, teach you a lesson you would never forget.

It was wrong what I did, though it took six long years to realize that I would never be able to repay you for the strength you wrought in me. While I will never agree with your choices I see now that things ended for the best, I emerged from your cage stronger than I ever dreamed, sentient, powerful, compassionate, fully aware and most importantly, confident.

I realize now looking at the dusk of my memory that between the time I left, to this place we have come of comfortable co-habitation, I have changed, found my self, my life and most importantly lost the fear of my identity. Over time the gap between us has lessened, and now we stand as one again, but this time we stand together as equals, partners.

Now the time has come in which I have found the strength to forgive you your denial of me. I also realize now, that I never truly told you who I am. It took me until this very moment to find the courage to finally say hello.

My name is transition.

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Comments
  1. Cenilda says:

    every time i come here i am not disappointed. nice post!

  2. alpowerful says:

    Wow, beautiful! And amazing ending…

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