Top Five Things Not To Say To A Drag Queen

Posted: 07/29/2012 by erichblayde in Drag Queen, Sarcastic Syntax
Tags: , , , ,

Hello again all you beautiful creatures I define as the reading type of entity! It’s a gorgeous summers day here in lovely butt-fuck-nowhere. Unfortunately thanks to a annoying habit of eating and a liking of electrical plug-ins that seemingly requires vast amounts of monetary resources I am not spending the day in the capris and strappy sandals I look ever so smashing in. Oh no, I am stuck in a hunter orange vest, collared shirt and cargo pant combo that REALLY does nothing to bring out my eyes. That’s right, on this gorgeous day I am stuck the hell inside working. And not fun work either, no that would be too forgiving of the universe. I am guarding a closed mall (god knows bloody why) So with all these factors combining I have come to this conclusion: I am bored out of my skull, forced to listen to godawful mall music and thanks to all this I feel extremely homo-rebellious (and yes that is a word dammit!) and my tongue seems to have firmly attached itself to my cheek again. Therefore we shall have a fun post today…

Let’s talk about drag queens.

Now as some of you may be aware Vancouver Pride is this coming weekend (Aug 3-5) so I think, seeing as how the streets (and by the end of the weekend, the gutters) will be filled with drag queens of all shapes and sizes (and maybe, just maybe a good looking one or two) we sould have a little chat about the subject. And not just general stuff about drag queens either. Let’s talk about what NOT to say to a drag queen (of course if you place no sentimental value on your limbs being attached to your body please feel free to disregard this post and say whatever the hell you want) However, those of you wishing to remain in a single piece may want to pay heed to what I am about to say. Because there are SEVERAL things that if said to the wrong drag queen can cause a fuss (read: glittering night terror of the worst sort)

What most people fail to realize is that most drag queens actually do drag as a job. They invest a lot of money and time into their act and it pays their bills. It is therefore deadly damn serious, and the last thing you want to do is insult it in any way shape or form. You see, the main skill of a drag queen isn’t the dress or the makeup, it’s the entertainment value. Let’s be honest here, people don’t pay to see men in dresses prancing around a stage lip syncing, they pay to see the entertainment a man in a dress can provide. And a drag queens first weapon in her entertainment arsenal is her wit (and let me tell you those wits are double edged, razor sharp and not for fooling with) So generally, it is not the best of ideas to cross such a being. (again if you do not value you life please feel free to try. It will at least be fun for the rest of us to watch)

All that fuss and explanation aside let’s get to the nitty gritty.

Leada Stray’s Top Five Things NOT To Say To A Drag Queen (The things, the why’s and our replies)

#5 – “Where do you put…you know…IT”

Ok, this is one of the most common blunders a drag queen sees and really this is barely a warm up ass kicking for us. Seriously! How could you leave yourself SO open to the world of verbal hurt about to be laid down upon your dumb ass? oh sure if your lucky we may actually just tell you to mind your business but if not you are in for it…

Top Three Replies:
“Drop your drawers and I’ll show you” (this being said with a threatening lear)
“If yours was actually big enough to hide I would tell you, but you got the shrinkage going on honey” (this being said while making O.o. face)
“On you? I’d hide it up your ass. Right beside your head!” (this being said whilst laughing uncontrolably)

Honorable Mention:
“Ancient Chinese Secret” (in my opinion this one is WAYYY over used and somewhat confusing because half the people actually look at you with wide-eyed wonder and think you were actually serious, but it does deserve a mention)

#4 “You look just like my brother”

Oh boy, this one will get you battered round the ears just about every time. It’s just not smart to refer to someone in a dress as looking like a man and that goes for everyone in a dress whether they were born male or female. This is another common one we get hit with a lot and all of us pretty much have a top answer ready to bat you out of the park with.

Top Three Replies:
“And you look just like a horses ass!” (this being said with as much false sincerity and gushing excitement as one can muster)
“Your brother should be so lucky as to look this good” (this being said in the haughtiest tone possible with a little sniff of disapproval at the end for good measure)
“Apparently you need glasses dahling” (this being said in your best Dame Edna impersonation and should be followed by the patented drag queen “sip-the-drink-and-look-incredibly-bored-with-the-mere-mortal” maneuver)

#3 – “Where did you find shoes that big?”

Ok…this is one of those “hell no you din’t” kinda moments. I mean really people! Where the fuck do you think one might find shoes? A barnyard? Were you hoping to find some magical shoe land only drag queen know about? Come on…

Top Three Replies:
“If I told you they’d have to kill you” (this being whispered into the ear of the idiot while looking furtively around and acting as nervous as possible)
“Ancient Chinese secret” (this being said while looking as wise as possible, folding ones hands in front of you and giving a little bow)
“Many many cobblers died to make these shoes darling. We do not speak of it” (this being said with no reaction, none. Just speak the words and walk the hell away before you slap the dingbat)

#2 – “You look just like a woman!”

What can I say to this other than you would have to be pretty thick to think this is a compliment

Top Three Replies:
“So do you! I’ve never seen a prettier transexual than you!” (this being said ONLY if you are trans yourself)
“I could give you some tips hunny, you look like you need them” (this being said with a huge warm smile)
“Funny, I’m impersonating the Dahli Lama tonight” (this being said with as much confusion as you can fake)

#1 – “How did you learn to sing like all those people?!”

Litterally THE dumbest question a drag queen will ever get. It’s not even funny as a joke dammit so just shut up.

Top Three Replies:
Why use three when only one is needed? The top reply is:
“Ancient Chinese secret!” (this being said however the hell you want to say it)

**AUTHORS NOTE** – After this article went live a reader contacted me to remind me that the phrase “ancient Chinese secret” is one of those storied types of phrases that actually was first used in a racist way in an advertisment. As always I would like to remind all my readers that knowing the history behind such things is incredibly important and to assure you all that in no way did I intend offense to anyone by my use of that phrase. That being said as the phrase is as used as it is in drag culture I have made the choice not to remove it but rather to remind everyone that, as with all language, please handle it with care.

  1. Storm M. Silvermane says:

    I work with a lot of Drag Queens .. I loved this post.

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