One of the things many people in my life have made comment on is that I seem to be a slight touch off from the viewpoints ascribed to by the rest of the world. While I am still not certain why everyone is allowing this topic to rent space in their heads I have however come up with a possible reasoning.

As with many human beings I am a complex creature operating on the parameters of my life experiences. The thing is, I seem to have a few extra parameters. Perhaps it is the existence of these extra parameters that explains my odd wavelength.

Let’s have a look at a few normal everyday situations, a normal person’s thought process versus my own reasonings and see what we discover shall we?

Thoughts are in italics….spoken words are in the usual “quotation marks” and actions are in *asterisks* (at least I function ok on that part of the wavelength)

Situation #1 – Ordering a Coffee

You step to the counter and are greeted with the usual “What can I get for you?”

——————————————————————————————————————–

Normal Person:
I like cappacino…it’s early in the day…I have not had coffee yet

*gets a cappuccino*

Erich:
(The cat owner) If I have enough coffee I can stay awake after work and clean the litter box

(The drag queen) Ivana Do Ya says I am a bitch at the best of times

(The trans guy) cis…gay but cis…cis…cute…don’t know….cis…don’t want to know….cat…cis…cis…cis

(The recovering alcoholic) What did Bill and Dr Bob drink after meetings?

(The security guard) What won’t stain my shirt….must look professional at oh-four hundred

(The acquired brain injury) Tall man jack is king of the pumpkin patch…every one hail to the pumpkin king now

(The European) Think faster

*walks six blocks to get potato chips and a monster energy drink*

Situation #2 – Buying a T Shirt

Your favorite t-shirt is getting a bit worn. You decide to go get a new one.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Normal Person:

I like blue…my old shirt was blue…everyone says blue highlights my eyes

*buys a blue t-shirt*

Erich:
(The cat owner) What color convinces cats not to sleep on it

(The drag queen) No one’s looking at your shirt if your showing enough leg, buy me new shoes dummy….oh he would look GREAT as a woman! You! Human in which I am entrapped. After him! He’s getting away……!!!….Damn

(The trans guy) Fuck the shirt and get chest surgery

(The recovering alcoholic) How does this situation make me feel about my childhood

(The security guard) Can’t wear blue, gangs….Can’t wear red, gangs…can’t wear Ed Hardy, gangs. Oh fuck it I’m casting my vote for the drag queen, go buy shoes. Comfortable ones you can walk in this time please!

(The acquired brain injury) Sign sign everywhere a sign takin up the scenery ……… my mind do this ……. can’t you read the signs….zzzzzzz

(The European) Buy a suit

*buys antique book set from mall in other town*

Situation #3 – Catching the Bus

You have a dentist appointment at 3pm and must take a bus from your home to the dentist’s office

——————————————————————————————————————–

Normal Person:

I need to arrive at the dentist at 3:00 and I must take a bus there

*catches appropriate bus, arrives on time*

Erich:
(The cat owner) Ok I have to catch this bus at this time…time to leave…I must change the water bowls!….damn missed the bus….ok time for the next bus…is that cat puke in my shoe?

(The drag queen) ok this bus, this time, got it…clean teeth are sexy….god my hair’s a mess….whoops missed the bus….I don’t like these shoes….whoops missed the bus…ok at the bus stop…oh! Cute guy! Get on that bus….where the hell am I?

(The trans guy) I just had my testosterone shot. If there is anything remotely sexually desirable on this bus we are all in trouble.

(The recovering alcoholic) Busses are a chance to practice your patience love and tolerance in a real world application….oh make it shut up! How can a child be so LOUD?!….ok that’s it HALT!!!…fuck the dentist I need a meeting

(The security guard) White teeth make me look professional…ok I have to be at the dentist at 1500 …20 minutes for dressing…2 minute walk to the bus…5 minute walk from the bus to the office…must arrive 15 minutes prior to maintain professional decorum…and all this means I have to have my morning coffee at 0945

(The acquired brain injury) When was I last at the dentist?….what’s a dentist again?…please don’t make me climb stairs…I will survive. As long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive. Because I’ve got all my life to….zzzzzzz

(The European) Bentleys are far more practical than this contraption

*sleeps through catching the bus*

Situation #4 – At the Movies

You worked hard all week and deserve a reward so you decide to take yourself to see that new film you’ve had your eye on seeing

——————————————————————————————————————–

Normal Person:

This is nice…oh wow that was funny…aw what a great ending

*goes to the movie, has a blast, goes home and posts a status recommending it on Facebook*

Erich:
(The cat owner) did I give them crunchy treats before I left?….why is everyone laughing? What did I miss….maybe I will buy those vitamin supplements…shit everyones clapping what just happened…I really need to focus on brushing them more often, once a day isn’t enough…why are the lights coming on?

(The drag queen) You brought me to a dark place where no one can admire me?!

(The trans guy) Where’s the guns? Why aren’t the tanks in play yet…tell me you didn’t bring me to see a chick flick

(The recovering alcoholic) Step One….work your step one....

(The security guard) Sit straight you fool

(The acquired brain injury) ooh! Pictures that move! Lookit all the pretty colors

(The European) It’s not in subtitles. HOW can I understand all these colloquialisms if there are no subtitles!!

*forgets the plot, the ending and the title, then spends hours on imdb trying to figure out what movie it was he wanted to see so bad*

Situation #5 – On the Job

It’s a regular day at work

——————————————————————————————————————–

Normal Person:

Got to perform this task…I need a raise….that customer was so nice…what time is it?

*does job, goes home*

Erich:
(The cat owner) I need to find a sitter. 8 hours alone my poor babies….CATS RULE AND DOGS DROOL

(The drag queen) wow, talk about slimming. I absolutely LOVE these pants!…Hey! Human in which I am entrapped…do they make these things in a sequined boot cut variety? They would work so well for performing Pink…Oooo HAWT GUY AT FOUR O’CLOCK!

(The trans guy) Alright tough guy…come on…come on…can’t take me can ya punk….Huah! THATS what I’m talking about! I’M THE MAN! WHOO

(The recovering alcoholic) So many sad cases…this makes me feel so deeply saddened I am grateful I am sober. ODDAT!

(The security guard) Relax guys…I got this….YOU! STOP PEEING IN THAT DOORWAY!! NOW!!!!

(The acquired brain injury) where am I….what is that squawking thing on my belt?…what does this button do….AHH why did that funny panel with all the buttons start screaming at me!? MAKE IT STOP………

(The European) How discouragingly primitive. DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THE FUNCTION OF A BUTLER?!

*writes random blog on the voices in his head*

The Conclusion

You try to focus all that into a specific wavelength everyone but you thinks your should be on and see how close YOU bloody get!

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Comments
  1. Lyndsey says:

    Cats rule and dogs drool? How dare you! I’m telling Dexter!

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