Transgendered Myths, Habits and Oddities Explained

Posted: 06/06/2012 by erichblayde in Friends, Gay Pride, Human Experience, Humour, Life Lessons
Tags: , , , , , , ,

**NOTE** Before I start let me explain a little something to you all. Yes, I am aware that the topic I am about to talk on is extremely sensitive, yes I will try not to offend absolutely everyone who has any connection to trans people, and yes, I will forgo moderation for this post, comments will still come to me for publishing but I will not be editing or removing any of them, comments will be posted no matter what they might contain. And just so you are all very clear on this, I am an FtM transsexual not some binary idiot with a hard on for picking at Trans people. Also, this diatribe is NOT meant as a guide to Trans issues or how to conduct yourself around a Trans person! It is written purely as ENTERTAINMENT! (Mine for certain, yours I hope) So, with that all said, let’s leap right on into the fray then shall we?

Item #1 – The Bathroom Bloopers Reel

Ok, Trans people and bathrooms, where the hell do you even start with that? Transsexuals, gender queers, androgens and transvestites have THE biggest issues with bathrooms I have EVER seen! I mean, my god, with all the worrying about being beaten up, making decisions about the stall/no stall thing, panic attacks about line ups, tuck belts, packer mishaps…I mean my God, if the gender normative crowd knew how much time we spend worrying about when/where/how/around who to pee they’d have us all committed! Never mind those terrifying moments we all go through when the tuck gives way on the unsuspecting lady, or for us boys, you feel that little slithering sensation and realize the glue on your pack just gave way. Both instances mean that you must now spend 5 minutes artfully contorting yourself (while trying your damnedest to make it look like you’re not contorted at all) to keep the fricking thing from bulging your clothes in funny places (for the girls) or falling out of your pant leg (for the boys) whilst you frantically think up a reason to run to the bathroom to correct the situation (Please note – As per the law of Murphy these episodes only seem to happen about 30 seconds after you have gotten back from the loo, thus making the excusing yourself part a near art form in itself) 

Incidentally, boys if you ever do lose the battle and find a certain something has slithered out your pant leg and is now lying exposed for all to see in the center of the mall food court, you have two options. Attempt the ever-so-nonchalant “oops my shoe is untied” maneuver (often this is nearly impossible because by the time you have realized your dilemma, you are five feet past the thing and would need to go back the way you came to tie your shoe! And let’s face it, the one thing you never see is someone stopping in mid walk, backing up 10 paces and then bending down to tie their shoe.) Your other option, heart breaking though it may be, give the offending item a quick boot under the nearest garbage can/bench/sales clerk and get the hell out of there! (If you are forced to use this option I would wait a month before entering the establishment again especially if the hiding spot you selected was of the “under the sales clerk” variety)

Item #2 – The Roid Rage/Blubber Face Phenomenon

So you’re a trans friendly ally who is ever so excited to be supporting your friend Mr. X (or Mrs. Y as the case may be) in the wonderful journey of transition. At first it all goes swimmingly, your friend comes out of the closet and everyone is happy and excited. The first consultations and assessments pass without a hitch. Your friend is happy and excited, more confident than you have ever seen her (or him depending on the direction of the change). The hormone therapy begins and your dear friend is blossoming into the person they were always meant to be. They are so happy it’s nearly indescribable.

Then it happens.

Suddenly your friend is replaced by some incarnation of the devil.

Men become sullen; aggression follows them like a cloud. Neither rhyme nor reasoning can predict the now wildly fluctuating moods of the transgendered male. You crash his car, he remains calm and steadfast, repeatedly ensuring that you are unscathed and telling you over and over that he’s just glad you are ok. The next day you forget to wash one pair of his socks, and despite the fact he has 22 other pairs of freshly laundered socks, you endure 3 days of ignominy for the error. No one can predict it!

The women undergo a similar baffling change. Your transwoman BFF calls you up and spends 20 minutes in pleasant conversation, jokes are told, gossip is exchanged. Suddenly your friend bursts into hysterical sobbing at the mention of a bushel of apples and hangs up abruptly. Startled you call her back only to find her phone has been unplugged. You spend the next three days worried as hell; only to have your friend call you out of the blue on the fourth day and start telling a rather raunchy joke just like nothing ever happened.

No explanation will follow these events, no pattern can be predicted. If you’re lucky your friend will be one of the lovely and nice Trans types and will at least apologize sometime within the next year. But not to worry, this mind boggling switching of emotional headings doesn’t last past the first year on hormones most times and can be slightly regulated (I recommend beating your lovely trans friend about the head with a corn broom – very effective I’ve found) 

Item #3 – Pronouns

For the most part (ignoring my tongue-in-cheek diatribe about the effects of hormones above) transgendered persons are rather solid, emotionally aware individuals. But the one thing that seems to set them all off is the ever-dreaded he/she/they/them/our/it pronoun tangle. Not everyone transitions to a binary gender of choice, some transition to a third gender/androgen/gender queer/pan gendered/two spirited or fluid gender construct of their own definition. And while most are quote forgiving of their friends stumbling tongues and obvious utter befuddlement; What you may find is if this gender/pronoun quandary happens in the company of other transitioning beings, your friend who’s gender or pronoun you’ve just completely garbled will be smiling at you patiently, pleased as punch that you made the effort to at least try. But behind them in the place where only seconds before a beautiful group of assorted gender variants, cross gendered and Trans gendered individuals stood, there is now a snarling, coldly murderous rabble baying for your blood. For while we transsexuals tend to be extremely forgiving of such stumbles from our friends, God help you if you stumble in front of another trans variant. They will rip your fool head off for your perceived insult to the gender/pronoun choice of someone who is not them. (If this has happened to you and you are feeling picked upon at this point for simply trying your best to respect your friend and turned out human in the endeavor, please see Item #4. It will ease your pain slightly I think) 

Item #4 – Infighting

This item is pretty much the entire reason for the giant note at the start of this entry. While there are always a few narrow minded gender binary types hanging around fountains of queer wordsmithery such as this blog, the really scathing attacks come, not from the anti-everything bigots, but from my fellow transsexuals! I have yet to explain how or why this occurs, but it seems an unwritten rule for some “defenders of the transgendered realm” or as one notable writer for the local gay paper aptly termed them “the Rah-Rah tranny people on the sidelines” that no matter which way a transsexual chooses to describe their own personal transition it is wrong and has mortally wounded someone in some way somewhere. I once had a Trans male on a forum lose it on me for saying I was a man. Apparently that was completely unacceptable as it was “denying the existence of all the other transgendered individuals in the world” (don’t ask me how that makes sense). Needless to say, the infighting on the forums and various chat rooms can be highly amusing to observe, though one cannot help wondering what it is that makes normal, healthy, stable and generally reasonable people become rabid slavering mongrels of the type you would not want to encounter in a dark alley, simply because another variant such as themselves said something!

Right then, I have certainly babbled enough for one posting. Perhaps (if the response to this post is good) I shall post Items 5, 6, and 7 at some point 😉

Pardon me while I batten down my hatches, I am due to check a posting I made on a trans interest group a few hours ago in which I called myself a queer – that should be good for at least a month of yelling 😉

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