The End Of Innocence – A Hiatus Seen Through Conversation

Posted: 06/06/2012 by erichblayde in A Different Outlook, Shoulder Shitiness
Tags: , , ,

Ok dear readers. A lot of things have happened since my last blog in November and I really think if I tried to hit them all I would manage to injure myself (more than I already have done) so lets just hit the high points (and conversations to remember) in the road to the ending of my innocence shall we?

October

Oh holy god we’re back here again are we? Well the beginning of the end is always a great place to start explaining any catastrophic event so here….we…GO!

**insert blasting rocket noise here**

Nothing too unusual in October, unless you count being sick as a dog for weeks on end, turning another year older and deciding that 90% of humanity just really isn’t worth your time (then again I seem to decide that every bloody month so who cares) 

November

Ahh November, home of my favorite holiday “Remember Remember the 5th of November, the gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should e’er be forgot” (Perhaps because it did not include computers?) Love is in the air this month, my heartstrings have been appropriately pulled and the power ballads are cued, what a lovely thing 🙂

**crunch**

Um, excuse me Mr…Why you no do job? Why no salt sidewalk? This hurt now.

**three days later**

Ok now hurts this really hurts ow…hello Dr.? I need help I think

**Grind EVERYTHING to a halt**

Yes I know I hurt it!…Fix now pls….What you mean “No I can’t”? FIX pls!

Oh great….I broke myself again

December

Ah the month of ow….having managed to completely boggle my shoulder I spent this fine month moping around my house on WCB with the only bright spot in my life being my lovely partner (Whom I am pretty sure I drove to distraction what with my cranky pain induced impression of a bear dominating the month) Moving on through the month of ow the problems with my shoulder progressed accordingly to the point where after a radiologist declared I had no breaks or dislocations I was poked, prodded and sent to WCB to await my ultrasound results. The month ended in a flurry of flail as my parents treated me to a holiday gift of family tickets to La Cage Aux Folles and upon my arrival realized that I was hurt and effectively panicked (I have NEVER seen either parent dote that much….really I can peel my own banana I promise :P)

January

Doctor: “Your shoulder isn’t sitting right in the socket”
Me: “X-ray guy says it’s fine”
Doctor: “X-ray guy is a moron. Your shoulder is out of joint, so is your clavicle”

….Awwww SHIT!….

January saw the further evolution of shoulder shitiness with the apparent idiocy of the radiologist (What he did for the 2 years he was supposed to be training to recognize dislocated shoulders I will never know) booked for an ultrasound, still essentially hiding in my house I didn’t do much this month other than complain and thank the stars that I have a loving girlfriend who is more than a saint. Late January saw the ultrasound completed and my doc relaying the news that the rotator cuff was intact. The doc assured me that the only major concern had been the rotator cuff and with that off the list nothing major had been injured. He made an appointment for March 9th for me to see a non-operating surgeon to get a shot of cortisone to speed my recovery.

February

The beginnings of February saw some improvement in the shoulder but little to no improvement in my disposition (Being trapped in pain leads Erik’s to nasty places apparently) Mid February saw me jetting (or rather boating) off to Vancouver to spend two weeks with a Mouse (who is actually a cat. Figure that out for identity crisis) Shortly before my departure on Feb 10th an interesting phone call occurred

Me: Hello?
Office Clerk: Hello Mr. **** is your wife available
Me: Huh?
Office Clerk: This is Dr. *****’s (the surgeon) office calling we have an appointment for Ms. ****.
Me: No, you have an appointment for me, read the special notes section of your screen please
Office Clerk: **stutters**
Me: I have the appointment March 9th yes?
Office Clerk: No
Me: What
Office Clerk: WCB wished you to have an earlier appointment and we have had a cancellation Feb 17th
Me: Dammit, I will be out of town I am afraid
Office Clerk: Uh oh
Me: I will have to just keep the March 9th appointment I am sorry
Office Clerk: No you can’t. We canceled that and booked this instead
Me: WHAT
Office Clerk: Oh dear, our next appointment free is April 4th
Me: WHAT!?
Office Clerk: I am sorry we assumed you would be happy, not traveling
Me: **grinds teeth**
Office Clerk: Can you arrange to make the appointment sir?
Me: Fine but you need to feed the cat.
Office Clerk: Pardon?
Me: February 17th yes GOODBYE!

So February 10th saw me happily float my way across the Strait and ensconce myself in the abode of the Mouse (cat) and immediately head out to the All bodies Swim, a wonderful trans event held in Vancouver that provides a safe space for the trans and allied community to swim, splash, float and chat the night away in the comfort of our own bodies without judgment (and with the help of a big yellow floaty canoe). Yay! The next week saw me at an assortment of events, get togethers and odd locations as I caught up with my friends in the big city and babysat the sweetest identity crises cat in the whole world 😛

February 17th

5 am (after little to no sleep) the alarm resounds causing a panicked cat to shoot round the room in fear (Neither her parent or I are the crack of dawn type) and me to stumble out of bed and walk into a wall (I am not used to the geography of that house, I like the geography of MY house too much and besides a wobbler sucks at orientation at the best of times nevermind 5 fucking am) After much cursing and some ineffectual coffee (I found out later that looking at the packet would have revealed the word decaf in bright blue letters) I stumbled my way out to the bus and headed for the ferry (aw crap I forgot how many people live here dammit) After 2+ hours of standing room only bus and a rather foul smelling woman high as a kite singing all the way to the ferry I embark on the voyage back to where I came from for the sole purpose of getting a nice cortisone shot to make me feel better….

At The Surgeon

First Clerk: We don’t have you listed Mr. ***
Me: ***** is the name
First Clerk: Yes. We have your wife sir but not you
Me: **sighs** Read the special notes section please
First Clerk: **stutters in terror and points wordlessly to the red line on the floor** That one
Me: **follows red line and nearly walks into the nurses booth**
Second Clerk: Name?
Me: **gives name**
Second Clerk: No. Your Name Sir
Me: **repeats same name**
Second Clerk: **reads special notes section all by herself** Ah, yes Sir, sorry for the confusion. Is your visit with us WCB related?
Me: Yes
Second Clerk: Please return to the front and tell the clerk there
Me: But she thinks I am the devil
Second Clerk: Follow the red line Sir
Me: **follows red line**
First Clerk: Name?
Me: **gives name again**
First Clerk: We don’t have you listed Mr. ****
Me: (*&%@%^#!!!
First Clerk: I beg your pardon?
Me: **gives name again** Is here for a WCB related Visit!
First Clerk: **makes note** follow the red line please
Me: **follows red line again**
Second Clerk: Name?
Me: ()*&#)^T!!!!!

Although the clerks nearly did me an new injury I eventually persevered and was admitted into the surgeons office.

In the Office

Dr: Can you tell me exactly how you fell?
Me: **gives exacting description of how where, at what angle and amount of force**
Dr: Can you be more specific?
Me: **laughs at the doctors funny joke**
Dr: **waits expectantly**
Me **sighs and goes through it all again**
**Dr pushes pulls pokes prods and makes notations every time I say ouch**

Dr: Alright well we need to do an MRI. I think you have a S.L.A.P. Lesion
Me: A who?
Dr. The suction cup part of your shoulder has possibly been torn **draws pictures and explains**
Me: And the cortisone helps with that?
Dr: **confused** What cortisone?
Me: The cortisone my GP said you were injecting me with today?
Dr: No I am not
Me: Then why am I here?
Dr: Because you may need an operation
Me WHAT!?
Dr: Didn’t they tell you? The labrum is integral to the shoulder structure
Me: I thought you didn’t operate?
Dr: Ummm, wrong.
Me: )(&*%$%&*#!
Dr: My thoughts exactly
Me: I thought because the RC was fine and the shoulder and collar bone wasn’t dislocated that was it, nothing major?
Dr: There are far worse things than the rotator cuff and your shoulder and clavicle are not fine they are subluxed (mild dislocation)
Me: (*)&^(*!!
Dr: You said that already
Me: So what now?
Dr: MRI to confirm diagnosis. Also how is your arm feeling
Me: **stares transfixed at the crazy lady**
Dr: **patiently** Not your shoulder, your arm. Where you had possibly fractured it
Me: I what where huh?
Dr: **shows X-Ray** It looks like it could be a minor stress or fracture to the bone. It seems healed now though
Me: %$^&*(#@!!
Dr: You didn’t know??
Me: Was it that obvious?!

After this cheerful news this now very bad tempered tranny headed off to a local coffee shop for some refreshment and found therein a trans activist of some regard whom I have been trying to track down for weeks. Shortly thereafter a plan was made to create havoc with the provincial ministry of health and a somewhat mollified me (yay taking revenge on random politicians!) headed to the ferry thinking the excitement was over for the day

9:24pm PST – Ferry Terminal

Me: **cranes neck to see why bus driver is running down bus and who just shouted**
1st Passenger: **getting off bus in a hurry as bus driver reappears and yells into bus radio** Not going anywhere for a while
2nd Passenger: What gives?
1st Passenger: Lady having heart attack or something
Me: **yanking First Aid ticket out of wallet and yelling my way through the line** Folks step toward the bus First Aid coming through!
Bus Driver: **grabbing my shoulders** Bus is not working!
Me: **yells point blank at his nose** First Aid
Bus Driver: **jumps away and points down bus** Thank God. GO!
Me: **authoritative voice** Everyone step aside please First Aid, step aside step aside thank you. Hello Ma’am, How are you feeling?
Patient: **Mumbles incoherent and spits out the word heart**
Me: **looking at woman holding patient** What happened
Woman: She fell over on me and then shocked me twice
Me: Pardon
Woman: She has a defibrillator
Me: Alright then **checks pulse and gets a bad reading** You Ma’am, call 911. Tell them I need an RTC transport for a heart patient and report back to me You Sir go to booth. Tell ferry people medical emergency on bus and they need to redirect everyone far away and report back to me. You Sir get everyone off bus and get their jackets, then report back to me. Ma’am you are going to be just fine.
Assistant: Jackets?
Patient: Thank you
Me: Yes Jackets! **Piles jackets on patient**
Woman: I hope I don’t get shocked again
Me: Bus Driver! I need your First Aid kit
Bus Driver: I don’t know where it is
Me: **twitches** Ok Ma’am you just stay nice and calm you are going to be just fine.
Patient: Thank you so much
Me: Where are you coming from
Patient: Gabriola
Me: Oh! I used to live there, it’s beautiful. Where are you headed?
Patient: China **bursts into tears**
Me: **twitches again and looks for ambulance** Well you’ll be on your way again in no time ma’am just you wait and see

9:34pm PST – The Bus

**Emergency response arrives and a remarkably alive patient is handed off. A relieved me goes outside for a cigarette**

Passenger: Well that was something
Me: Happy fucking Friday
Passenger: If you say so. You’re bossy and I’m not arguing with you
Me; Of course I am bossy, my company paid a lot of money to have me taught to be bossy
Passenger: Not arguing, you’re effective
Me: I fucking hope so

10:25PST – Downtown

Me: **stumbling to bus stop for next bus in a haze**
Man: **arrives at bus stop in a huffing mess and looking at me** You are a hard guy to keep up with
Me: What? **thinks to himself** Please don’t drop dead in front of me
Man: **straightens up with dignity and stares me in the face** Let me tell you something Sir. My name is Gunnery Sargent ***** *****. US Marine Core. I was on that bus back there and I wanted you to know that we could have used men like you in Vietnam. Your conduct was worthy of a Marine Corpsman any day.
Me: **blinks and sticks out hand** Sir, thank you for what you did for all of us
Man: *salutes** No Sir. Thank you.

11:55pmPST

Me: **stumbles in door**
Cat: Meow
Me: Yes! Coming!
Cat: MEOW! 
Me: **scooping old food out of dish and putting new food in** Sorry sorry! I was saving a life and being saluted by a war hero
Cat: **chewing food** Yargle

And thus ends the havoc of February. I am back home, it’s officially March and I am bloody well skipping leap years from now on.

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