Of Wobblers and Big Blue Sperm

Posted: 06/06/2012 by erichblayde in A Different Outlook, Friends, Humour, Sarcastic Syntax, Strength
Tags: , , , ,

It was a first night of vacation to remember. Two brain injured people, a falafel or coffee decision that turned into a Mexican feast, two terrified clerks, three parking lots and a bus.

Now you all might be wondering exactly what the devil our partners were thinking letting us go off alone together, (I think most people are still wondering at that little bit of tomfoolery) but there I was, standing peaceably in front of my favourite building on Davie Street watching the sidewalk for a sign of “My Girlfriend” who was coming to meet me outside the Xtra West offices (the paper I sometimes write for) in beautiful Van City. I was happily contemplating seeing one of my favorite people walking up the sidewalk when all of a sudden things got interesting.

A renegade green SUV shoots out of Friday night rush hour traffic and pulls to the curb directly in front of a bus stopping to pick up passengers. Before I even had time to contemplate the dangerous nature of this highly unorthodox style of driving, down comes the window and there is My Girlfriend waving at me out of the window! “Get in!” She yells with a laugh. Panicking is not what I would term my strong suit and My Girlfriend was obviously oblivious, but by God I was certainly worried about a 9 ton community shuttle bus full of people potentially getting rather upset at me. “You’re directly in front of a bus” I yelped, whipping my bags in the back door while simultaneously diving for the front at breakneck speed. I made it without incident and we drove off giggling hysterically.

And then the night got interesting.

Anyone reading this who knows both me and Big A also most likely knows that we are both recipients of the fabulous Acquired Brain Injury curse (henceforth referred to in my typographic tomfoolery as an ABI) Life with an ABI is a weird balance of providing our brain with the special circumstances it now requires, and attempting to appear totally normal to the world-at-large (which is often quite difficult when you can no longer make decisions in under five minutes, randomly forget things and/or names, feel like you are falling off staircases, have to live like you have an egg on the end of your neck and exist in a perpetual state of childlike goofiness.)

Needless to say, not everyone understands life like that, so the chance for Big A and I to have a few moments together is a chance for us to shed our normalcy masks in the security of knowing that the other part of this terrifying devil’s duo will inherently accept any weirdness we exude while in our natural state of goofy without judgement and often with enthusiasm, while at the same time being willing to defend (with teeth if necessary) our right to be different.

And boy howdy did we ever get different.

Just try getting two brain injured people in their naturally uninhibited state to make a plan in the moment, without six hours of planning aforethought (or a non wobbler to help). We sped away from the bus and then decided to go for coffee. 30 minutes and a 360 degree circling of the downtown core later, (while Big A told me about having taken too much pot butter before leaving to meet me, and then telling me about the dream she had the night before in which I had summarily engaged in a hot make out session with her committed, monogamous, mostly straight FTM partner) My Girlfriend (and an extremely white knuckled me) parked in the lot ONE BLOCK down from where we started. 10 minutes (and a minor stroke about parking prices from me) later we parked in a lot ONE BLOCK up from where we started and headed out to find some falafel. (Yes this was all a plan to get coffee I swear)

After wandering past two falafel joints and my scaring the HELL out of a clerk at the counter with my mis-hearing of his words, we settled in a comfortable booth with large trays of Mexican at (get this) Mucho Burrito just off Burrard and Davie, a mere ONE BLOCK down from where started from and DIRECTLY ACROSS from where we parked the first time! (I never said we made sense).

After a delightful meal of neither falafel or coffee, it was time for a short stroll up Davie while laughing our asses off at a Shane Koyczan recording and scaring everyone around us with our goofiness. A quick pause to terrify a bored barista into preparing two licorice teas at my favorite coffee house and we were back in the car to head toward where I was meeting the friend I was staying with that night.

15 minutes of two brain injured wobblers trying to navigate the big city later (I still have NO IDEA why the hell some idiot stuck the entrance to an underground parkade in the MIDDLE OF THE DAMN ROAD!!) we arrived, paid yet another outrageously high parking charge and set out for a stroll along he waterfront to pass the time.

And then we found the earth majestically circling the lobby of the conference center.

I should preface this section by saying that both My Girlfriend and I have massive cases of PSS (Pretty Shiny Syndrome) so for us to see the earth circling peacefully in the lobby of a building was worth at least 5 minutes of open-mouthed, wide eyed silence that ended only when a worried-looking security guard popped his head out the door and gave the two mindless doe eyes ye olde standard “Can I help you?” Realizing suddenly that perhaps standing around gap mouthed was indeed a little inappropriate, we continued on down the board walk.

And then we saw it.

The GIANT blue sperm.

And trust me on this folks, the absolute last thing you want happening to two wobblers existing in their natural state of goofy, while incredibly hopped up on licorice and friendship is to have them run smack into a 35 foot tall, bright blue sperm sticking proudly out of the corner of the conference center sidewalk on a 45 degree angle. The confusion was EPIC! And the resulting camera phone frenzy/ye-olde-queer-wisecracking rivaled a boatload of drag queens floating past the Statue of Liberty.

Finally we met my friend and My Girlfriend and I went our separate ways, but the night of wobbles and sperm will live on in blogosphere infamy forever for one simple reason.

I could not have had a better My Girlfriend to share it with 😉


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