So it appears we, the queer/gay/lesbian/bi/tri/pan/undefined peoples of the world have lasted long enough to merit another episode of National Coming Out Day. Now don’t get me wrong, I think this is an absolutely fabulous day to be having. Never before have I liked so many posts on the Book of Face in a single day (the makers and monitors of FB must think I’ve taken some DAMN good poppers today) and I love seeing so many people openly declaring their orientations/personal definitions to the world. I also like that it came in the middle of National Mental Week (I don’t know about you all but in between the hormones I take and the brain drain of who wants to be called what/likes to have what done and by whom, my cheese slipped off my cracker a long time ago!) I think it’s lovely we have days like this to celebrate who we are.

But…

Since this is me writing, you know we are not staying with the happy-go-lucky viewpoint. So, without further ado I have created a list of the common orientation descriptions I use when coming out to someone and what they really mean in my world.

Erich Blayde’s List of Self Definitions for National Coming Out Day

1) Queer – No, I didn’t say gay, I said queer. This means that I am sitting (on the particular day I said it) with a big old fence post shoved right up my ass and am unwilling to participate in my own internal dialogue (Or I have just seen a gorgeous personage of a gender presentation I am unsure of/normally not attracted to and am confused as hell)

2) Gay – a woman/gender other than male recently beat me up/broke my heart and I am therefore punishing all those of non-masculine definition by removing my fabulousness from their dating reachability (yes I spell my name e-g-o some days)

3) Pansexual – I just took my hormone shot and am incredibly starved for physical companionship. I will therefore accept nearly anything that has a semi-functional brain

4) Tri-sexual – I just met someone who’s gender construct had never occurred to me/doesn’t make sense at all, but I find myself highly attracted to this being and therefore am opening my mind a touch to observe

5) Bisexual – I generally say this to people whom I think are small minded idiots and would be unable to comprehend a multi-faceted non-binary construct (NOTE!! – This does NOT mean I think bisexuals are stupid or unworthy of appreciation! It just means I bent the term to my own uses)

6) Unknown – The literal translation of this in Erich’s brain is “I don’t like you, you normative weirdo and NO I am NOT going to tell you anything about myself”

7) FLAMER – I feel good about myself and my world today and am going to be as wild and fabulous as I can be

8) Homo – I am, therefore I flail 🙂

9) Fluid – How the f**k should I know what I am?! I’m dressed in peacock feathers for fucks sakes! (Yes I was really dressed entirely in peacock feathers and spandex and yes I really said/thought that. I was in Numb3rs for God’s sake, what did you expect?!)

As in all cases the exact meaning of whatever term I use to pop out of the closet at someone will vary depending on the day of the month/hour of the day/time of the year/what I had for breakfast three days prior/which socks I put on that morning, but that gives you a general idea of the definitions of me 🙂

Happy Coming Out Day Canada

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