A 3 am Visitor

Posted: 06/06/2012 by erichblayde in Human Experience, Humour, Life Lessons
Tags: , , , ,

Hello again dear readers! I thought that I might, in this edition of my muttered musings, recount to you a rather interesting little event that happened some ten days past.

Those whom I have on my Facebook will know that I adopted a second cat about a month ago. Also those whom are on my Facebook will also have noted that the great cat experiment is not going so well at all.

You see, the three year old male cat I took in when a family situation affected his living arrangements is rather an odd critter. He is, in many ways a prototypical feline, what with the lazing around all day and the never-ending imperious demands for food, but he has a rather odd quality for one of his kind. He has feelings, and not just any feelings, hurt ones. This is an animal who has lived his whole life in one home with one family, now suddenly he has found himself uprooted, flung unceremoniously into the home of a total stranger and let me tell you, he is not happy about it. He has hissed, growled and yowled now for the entire time he has occupied my home. I can’t even look at him without becoming the recipient of a rather scathing feline appraisal of the exact lack of depth my character suffers from. Touching him is out of the question, I bear the marks from where he struck me after I mistook him for my other cat (they are nearly identical) and stroked his back.

Make no error, this is not a vicious animal, he only struck me out of being startled, not with malice aforethought. He is, quite simply, upset. And who wouldn’t be after having such an experience? I certainly cannot blame him, though the constant racket does get on the nerves (I am sure that my covering his paws in butter, dousing him in rescue remedy and wrapping him in a big blanket with an old-fashioned alarm clock haven’t impressed him much either)

All in all however, the new cat shows promise, despite his habit of continuously impersonating an old fashioned steam boiler. He has a tremendous amount of intelligence and, as I recently found out, a rather peculiar talent.

Here was me, sound asleep in my incredibly warm, cozy bed, dreaming happy dreams and never suspecting that all hell was about to break loose. Now as some of you know I have an ABI (Acquired Brain Injury) suffered as a result of far too many knocks to the head. For the most part it does not affect me in any ways that you would notice (I see the effects but that’s simply because I have to live in my own head.) That being said however, the one time it becomes painfully obvious that all is not right with my brain is when I am suddenly awoken from a sound sleep.

So there I am, fast asleep, when suddenly a voice wends its way into my peacefully resting brain. “Hello” it called, “Hello!” Panicked by this unwanted intruder in my locked home at 3 am, I sat bolt upright in bed with a fearsome yell (in my head it was meant to be fierce but at that time in the morning it probably sounded more like a squeak) Dazed and confused I listened hard, and heard nothing. Then the voice came again “Hello! Hello! Hello!” My injured, sleep muddled brain twisted itself into a knot and came totally unglued. “It’s a neighbor! There’s a fire! FIRE! Wait! burglars are yelling hello! ROBBERY! No, it’s the police. GUN! Does God say hello when you die? ZOMG I died? Who’s going to feed the dogs?!” (Yes this literally all shot through my head at once.) Startled into action I grabbed the knife that I keep handy, and ran stark naked, right into the closet. (No one ever counted on me to be the most organized line of defense, nor the most oriented)

After quickly picking myself up and apologizing to the female cat (she sleeps in my room) I snatched some pants off the floor and yelled at the now demanding voice still repeatedly greeting me from the kitchen. “Yes YES! I’m coming for fucks sakes! Je-sus fucking Christ SHUT UP OUT THERE! Hello hello hello!” Raging I threw open the door and executed a near perfect frog roll through my kitchen, emerging, weapon ready, at the start of the hall.

No one. No neighbors, burglars, cops or deities. Nothing there but one smarmy looking male cat. Confused, befuddled and utterly at a loss I stared at this supposedly dumb animal. “Hello?” I croaked. The cat regarded me a moment before deigning to reply. “Hello!” Calmly he walked to his empty food dish and stared at me, “hello hello hello!” he demanded. Stunned into silence I fed the animal and climbed back into bed. A talking fucking cat.

This is all I bloody need

  1. fostrickson says:

    Hahaha! Mine says “hello” too. In the middle of the night. We have to warn house guests so they don’t get the wrong idea…

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